I had such a busy time lately. The recording went pretty well, though we didn't exactly have time to record my song. Becky's fingers got tired, so I suppose it was left for next time. A bunch of my friends are leaving for school. I still have a month to go and then, it's back to hitting the books. I'm a little scared. I know what to expect of college now but at the same time, I'm apprehensive about it. Will I be able to make friends this year? I hope so. I don't want to just go through college life all by myself.
There's a russian kid at my work. I talk to him every once in a while when customers aren't there. Nothing much changed over this summer and maybe it's a good thing. I'm happy with who I am, though as always there is room for improvement.

@настроение: I wake up. It's a bad dream.


Right now, just my dad's voice makes me cringe. He makes me so damn angry. I feel my blood just boil hearing his voice. Christ, he doesn't understand anything. I had to explain to him for two minutes straight about how a website didn't have old albums of the artists because he doesn't listen. No,he only listens to the first part of your sentence, just enough to reply and turn the conversation to himself.
Fuck. I don't want to get old and be like him. That would suck so much because he's annoying beyond words about everything because he has an opinion on everything. fuck it. just fuck it all.

@настроение: Bomb this track.


Tomorrow we're recording. I'm both nervous and excited. How will it turn out to be? I only wish my band mate wasn't so hell bend on showing me up. It's not my fault she can't sing. I don't try to play the guitar, so I don't see why she has to feel like I'm being a diva. Oh well. Maybe it's just all in head.
Eric is gone, back at school. Fatima is also gone. There's a new kid at work, Ostap. He's from Ukraine.

@настроение: I'm the wisp of the wind.


So a bunch of people are already getting ready to leave for college. I'm going to be left alone for a while month before I get to leave. Oh well, it can't be that bad? I'll actually start reading books. I've been lacking on this one. But now I have Beserk series to go through. It's fantastic and terrible at the same time. Comiccon August 7th? Hm, who knows.

@настроение: I've got soul, but I'm not a soldier.


My summer has been going rather well. I hag out with people and work. Soon, I'll record a song with a friend. I wonder how well that will go and in the winter we plan on making a music video. Now that should be fun. At any rate for now, I have no complaints.

@настроение: Can't you see, you belong to me.


Aside from work, I'm definitely enjoying my summer break. It's great to have time to do everything, and to do nothing. Life is sweet.
Plues writing gay porn is more fun when you don't have a lab report due the same day.

@настроение: Me hungry


I have to admit, the past few days have been amazingly fun. I've spent them in the company of my friends. I've spent the weirders 4th of July. First I had this really nice dinner with the family and then I just jetted out to hang with Eric and his friends. And after that I was just drunk and laughing nonstop. So it was all good.

I also have to admit, that it's damn hard growing up. Who knows what will happen to me? Who will I end up with? You know some day I might even have kids. Damn, that's a scary thought. I doubt I'd be any good as a parent, but well, I won't know until I get to that phase.

Got the band back together. We trashed the old songs and got a new one. It still needs work, but maybe it'll turn into something beautiful.

@настроение: I want to lick you from your head to your toes.


Today I'm going to Alla Pugacheva concert. You know, dreams of idiots do come true every once in a while. Could you believe it?
Now all is left is to meet JRM. Another nineteen years of dreaming?
I'd like to think that if there is happiness for one, there must be happiness somewhere for all. And I don't mean that you should just expect it to be handed to you, but by some trick of events, you accidentally pick it up on the way. You can't purposefully make it appear. It just does. And I don't want to hear about this bullshit that happiness is fleeting. That can't be true. Happiness is permanent once you reach its true form because true happiness alters outlook on life. True happiness is the heart-shaped glasses.

@настроение: I've got soul, but I'm not a soldier.


So today was the day. Thank god everything turned out fine. I have to admit, there were just too many relatives for my taste. Oh well, can't do anything about that. Blood is blood.
I think Dennis liked my present. I'm happy for that.

@настроение: When you were young.


Today I was going to play tennis, except that the weather is aweful. It's noon, but it's still dark enough for me to keep the lights on. Icky.
Today I'm also going to a birthday party of a girl I don't know that well. Oh well. Anything to get out of the house and it would be an excuse to see some friends. What's the harm?
And then Eric first time met my parents. And he survived. Honestly, I didn't think my parents were that scary. Although probably joking about how my dad has a shotgun was a bad idea. Oh well, what's done is done.

@настроение: Something inside you is crying and driving you on.


So I was able to convince my old friend to remake our little band again. I don't know what it will turn out like, but it would definitely be interesting. I mean, it's not like besides work I have anything else to do? And maybe this time it will actually last. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping.

@настроение: Speed of sound.


Finished school. It's finally summer and it's warm again.
I'm hanging out with Eric more. Is that a good idea? Who knows. But it does get me out of the house. And Saturday I'm going to have a breakfast Meyer-thon. Friday there's a birthday and Sunday is my nephew's first birthday.
Can't believe he's so old now. Everyone is getting old. There are people my age who are already parents. Weird.

@настроение: Your rhymes are whack, yo.


No one shares my fear of intimacy. I am a freak then. Great. It's just....maybe it's all psychological. I don't know. Right and left, everyone is hooking up and I couldn't even let my boyfriend touch me. I am a freak.
But then.. what the hell. Why the hell am I supposed give pleasure to someone else? I want some fucking reparation for the time wasted. Now I'm just artarting to sound like I wouldn't mind prostitution.
You know what? Fuck them all. I don't need anybody to make me fucking happy. Happiness comes in many forms. If I die aline, then I die alone with a smile on my face. There's no point to cry over spilled milk even if everything right now is crap. I just want to be down with all of this. Sometimes I think it's better to just know the future. All right, so you won't be surprised about anything. So what? Most of the surprises are nasty. I'm willing to sacrifices a few good surprises for the sake of happy monotony.

@настроение: If I was invisible.


Within Temptation- Forgiven

Couldn’t save you from the start
Love you so it hurts my soul
Can you forgive me for trying again?
Your silence makes me hold my breath
All the time has passed you by

For so long, I’ve tried to shield you from the world
You couldn’t face the freedom on your own
Here I am
Left in silence

You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that stands forgiven
You’ll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that stands forgiven

Watched the clouds drifting away
Still the sun can’t warm my face
I know it was destined to go wrong
You were looking for the great escape
To chase your demons away

For so long, I’ve tried to shield you from the world
You couldn’t face the freedom on your own
Here I am
Left in silence

You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that stands forgiven
You’ll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that stands forgiven

I’ve been so lost since you’ve gone
Why not me before you?
Why did fate deceive me?
Everything turned out so wrong
Why did you leave me in silence?

You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that stands forgiven
You’ll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that stands forgiven

@настроение: Camping trip tomorrow.


It's finally Reading Week, which means no class, then finals and then it's summer break. And what does summer break bring? I'll have work, a concert of the woman I worhsipped as a kid, and possibly seeing an acquitance from Duke. At any rate, it should be a relaxing affiar. At least I'm hoping it will be relaxing. I'll need all the energy I can get for next year. Plus, having something in my bank account would be pretty nice too. So yeah, two more weeks and then I'm more or less free.

@настроение: Insanity is all around us.


I am so sick of people on my floor. Most of them act like I don't even exist. They have to be point blank walking into me to even manage to say a 'hello'. Sons of bitches. What am, a wall? Oh sure, I understand that my roommate is more popular than me, but for christ's sake, is it so hard to acknowledge my existence? Can't wait to get out. Two more weeks and then I never have to see their ugly mugs. The only two people I'll miss would be Cloe and Izzy and that's because they freaking know how to treat a human being. The rest? They can rot in hell for all I care.
On a side note, I am exicted about the camping trip with the russian club. They did put me in the same car as Igor, but I don't think it'll be a problem. Anyway, it should be a lot of crazy russian fun. I just need to start learning all the songs.

@настроение: Scang is awesome.


So I had to babysit yesterday and today I have my newphew screaming for the past 10 minutes. I think, I don't want any kids. My head won't be able to take screaming this massive for more than two days.

@настроение: Let's go out into the state of nature.


Yesteday...Mm, yesterday was such a beautiful day. If only there were words to describe the greens and blues that I saw yesterday. The lake swelled with life. The way the colors played on its surface! The way the sun sparkled and how white the crest of the waves were! And when I looked across the plain of grass out onto the lake, I didn't have a care in the world. It was as though for a moment, heaven came down to earth to teasingly give us a glimpse of what is yet to come. Today is also a beautiful day, but not quite as magical as yesterdays. Tomorrow, they say, it's going to to be cold and there is a possibility of rain. But well, it's very possible that for every good day, there is a bad day, and that in the universe nothing goes unbalanced. Perhaps the weather is the same way.

I also went out drinking with Eric and his friends. It was interesting. I can swear that the foul excuse for vodka that they gave me actually helped me with jmy cold. But maybe it were just hte grapes. At any rate, I had fun and that's all that counts.

@настроение: Disco Dollie


Guh, I'm still sick. It sucks to be coughing and having chills while everyone else is enjoying the nice weather.

@настроение: I've got friends in all the right places.


Meating up with my ex wasn't so bad after all. We hung out for 4 hours, but it didn't feel that long at all. Anyway, I'm glad we're still friends. I really liked him as a person even if I wasn't sexually attracted to him.

Then again, when am I sexually attracted to anyone? There must be something wrong with me or else I'm just not that emotionally developed yet. But then, maybe it's not a bad thing. When my roommate tells me what kind of condoms they use, it makes me wonder where it all leads. Well, nowhere really. In the next fire years these boyfriends and girlfriends won't even remember each others names and the few tender moments they shared would blend into one memory of college and nothing more. Nothing is eternal, especially love.

Sometimes I wonder if there is actually someone out there for me. I hope so. The alternative is too frightening. I have accepted death, but I will fight against the fate of dieing alone. I want someone to hold my hand. It is a frightening journey.

@настроение: Liebst du mich jetzt, Lena?

Spank it like a Preacher