I had a panic attack today.. again. It's not so bad at nights ebcause then I can close my eyes and fall asleep. During the say it's all much much worse. I almost ran out of my room screaming that the roof will fall on my head. I could hear the beams breaking and the tiles scattering around me. That's what I really hate about being sick. Mind plays trick on me... mean tricks.

@настроение: Boom


Got myself really sick. Makes me wonder if karma exists.

@настроение: Ka-boom


A. Now a days, the boots are not black, nor leather, they are tan and
Yeah. That's some great critic there. God damn nailed it right ont he head. Apperently next time if I want to write a poem, I'd have to research military fashion. Great.
B. It almost seems like you think that soilders and marines are
murders, how is that fair? They do not kill children, stop listening to the
They don't kill children. Ok, so the kids are killing themselves. That's dandy. And hells yeah, they're murderer because they are soldiers. They train to kill. That's how you fight wars. You kill.
C. The poem is well written and it sounds good...I just think it is
Thanx, Ande, you really opened my eyes. Now I realize that writing contereversial poetry is bad. How dare I imply that the men and women dieing out there are evil? How dare I imply that we are not fighting for freedom but instead of for oil? I should be ashamed of myself. Yeah right.

I finally realize that people are moved only by slogans. I'm not saying that I'm any different. I'll follow the call to end conformity, falling myself into that trap. But still, by Luci! Why won't people think? Yeah it's offensive, but so are a lot of things in this world. You know what I find offensive? Religion. So if I see anyone even talking about it, I'm sueing their asses for inconsideration for atheists. Yeah... that's exactly what I'm going to do, right after I end world hunger and clone unicorns. People should look around more often.

@настроение: Darling dear," he rolled his "r"s and leaned down to give the vampire's neck a little nip, "I think it'll be the other way around."


Chuckling into the other’s mouth, Dimitri dimly wondered how much power sex appeal had. The cannibal was ready to abandon his holy quest to save all humans just because the vampire was willing to shake his ass around a bit. Yes, indeed, this was a most notable phenomenon. But Dimitri wouldn’t dare to dwell long upon it. For all he knew, this could have been just another imitation in his head, figment of sick imagination. Yet, the light bite on his tongue felt real enough, making the vampire groan with dark pleasure.

With one hand he was frantically trying to pull down Leopold’s pants while the other chose to rest on the bare chest. As soon as the kiss would end, the first rib was going down. But of course, Dimitri would have to be careful in this business. The last thing he wanted was a pierced lung, which would surely cost him his pretty blond head. So Dimitri prolonged the kiss, his mind calculating the force necessary to apply to do his lofty deed. His fingers played with the pretty leather collar. It really did suit the crushnik, he thought. If he ever lived to tell, this would certainly be one of the night child’s tales of the legendary cannibal.

He reached as far as he could, finally abandoning Leopold’s clothes and moving on to his own. The hands on his rear were very suggestive, but Dimitri wasn’t thinking particularly hard how to please his master. His slogan of the day was,’Keep ‘em happy while you do your dirty work.” And that was exactly was he was doing. Abruptly, vampire broke the kiss, grinning ferociously. He left his own shirt half unbuttoned, instead pressing the heel of his palm against the first rib, waiting for the sickening crack to echo through the room.

@настроение: I kann nicht verstehen warum ich nicht gewonnen.


Kill all the drama! It's pissing me off.

@настроение: You're not fat. You're just big boned.


I want to forget everything. I want to forget the names, words, places. I want it all to be gone, flushed away in the storm of my rage. I want it to end. Why won't it end?

@настроение: While my guitar...


I am a devil's toy. There is nothing hold me back to this earth but reason. Friends, family, work, school, they are mundane things of which I want to escape. I am god's toy. God loves to see my suffer and suffer I do. When I sit in class, phantoms of past visit me. I rip my insides out offering them to anyone who would take them and no one will. No one ever will take my offering of shreeded pieces of my soul. No one. They see me as a blunt idiot. Yet I see them as silent fools unable to say what they want. They are silenced by their own idiocy while I am unable to play by their rules. I want to play by their rules because I'm tired of being devil's and god's toy. I want to be a human's toy, become a slave of heart not reason.
I want to be riped to pieces and eaten alive. Cannibalism is only a way to save souls. Save souls. Save my soul. No death but eternal life of reincarnation. No religion. Take responcibility for your own actions for once. Don't blame anyone, blame yourself. You are your own executioner. Oh but it's hard to stare into my own face and know that I deliberetly cut myself down. There is no peace for me.

Ноги тащат по земле,
Тыщу лет во мгле! Хой!

Глазами зверя вижу мир!
...Путь мой вечен!...
Я классный парень, я - вампир!
Есть у меня интерес большой,
Любопытно мне,
Что называете вы душой,
Слабость лелея тайком свою в уме?..

Я убеждаюсь вновь и вновь -
У негодяев слаще кровь!
Я не кусаю всех подряд,
Жертву выбираю,
Обычно это - сладкий гад..

Но я живу, не видя дня,
Во мраке бесконечной ночи,
И нет надежды у меня,
В гробу смыкаю свои очи!

Ноги тащат по земле,
Тыщу лет во мгле! Хой!

Вся жизнь вампира - сущий ад!
...Мое время...
Все рады жизни, я смерти рад!
...Мое бремя...
Я к людям добрый, злобы нет,
Откуда злобе взяться?
Ведь для меня они обед!
А ну, стоять, дрожать, бояться!!!

@настроение: Being politically correct is morally wrong.


I picked up pieces of broken glasss today, wishing that I could do the same with my sanity. It doesn't work that way. Just have to live with what I am for the rest of my life. Be got offended because I don't think about other people. Well, people don't think about me. I'm not their slave. I want to break free.

@настроение: Pieces of my mind.


Happy B-day Lauren. This poem is for you.

Free Man

Oh give me a gun, good sir, and I’ll go.
To war I will go with the gun in my hand.
To war will I go while the tears freely flow
Of the nation who’s child I once have been.
Oh give me a reason to slaughter young children
And the knife made in China will bleed with their blood.
Give me the boots of the coarse blackened leather
And their face I’ll crush by the light of the day.
The law, oh please give me, to prove my ambitions
To let me win ticket to ride out of hell.
Oh soften their voices that cry for the bleeding!
They stir in my heart a sorrowful song.
Belittle their vision, let truth slide away.
Embrace the devotion my youth gives today!
Oh give me a say and the gun in my hand
Will lift up the dust of the ancient’s lost land.
And give me a way to become a freeman.
For you said that the freedom is not always there.


I'm freaking out because there seems to be not enough time in the day for me to do everything that I need to do.

@настроение: My Anti-God.


His screams came muffled almost mute. But the bite grew harder, more desperate, drawing more blood than he could swallow. Dimitri saw it trickle down the other’s back. Almost frantic was he knowing that something was escaping his hungry mouth. It was hard for him to describe the taste that spread over his tongue thickly. But the vampire knew he wanted more. Perhaps it was his hunger or perhaps it was the fact the krushnik’s blood was the most addictive substance for a child of the night to savor. Dimitri was losing his mind, torn between the exotic taste of the other’s blood and the invading sensation of the other male thrusting into him. He had no idea if he was crying out in pain or ecstatic pleasure.

Eyes closed against the blurriness of lights and shadows. His grip tightened on Leopold, afraid to fall into nothingness. Dimly the vampire mused that his master would not spare him, not that he minded all too terribly. After all, Dimitri could swear that the taste of krushnik’s blood was worth the rough treatment. But he couldn’t hold on to the other’s neck for long. Eventually his limbs would go limp, his grip would slacken and his back would touch the covers of the bed. But for now, he was arching against the other man, hating the feel of the warm body yet moaning in undeniable pleasure. “Harder,” he groaned into the other’s neck.

@настроение: I'm hungry. Can I eat the priest?


Huzzah for new internet!

@настроение: Candidates, as in candy-dates


There is no magnitude in my personality. I took a stand. End Valentine's day.

@настроение: Chicken, Alaska


Snowday! man, I haven't had a snow day in ages. I have to admit, it almost makes up for the fact that Tania can be a total bitch. You know what, just because you have your Eric prancing around your fat ass like a metrosexual git that he is, doesn't mean that you can treat me like trash. Screw you and your dog. I don't have a bad attitude, you're just lazy as hell and all its demons! My attitude... seriously! She had three weeks, three to finish a stupid sсriрt and I didn't push her because I thought we had more time. But Goddfriend drops a bomb on my Hiroshima and here I am panicing my ass off that we're going to not finish this movie and she's accusing ME of acting badly. I might be jelous, but when it comes to projects I can asside the fact that you're Hitler and get it over with. I was so angty that I had to take pills to calm down. Christ, what a bitch.

Well, that was yesterday. But it's not like I didn't expect it. I mean, if you have a dream that you're in hell, that counts for something. it was actually a very strange dream. Ok so I went to hell cuase I died from exposure to nitrogen. So I'm drifting along in the darkness, around me shadowed souls kind of passing right through me and going along. I hear some screams, wails.. you know the usual lot. And then, bam, I'm on a second floor hallway of my school. And who do you think I see.. besides Luci.? I see Tanya walking with her BFF right in front of me and I tell Satan, "Is there no peace for me in Hell?" He doesn't answer but walks with me as I make my way through the crowd. These people still walk through me and around me. I look around and say to no one in particular, "So this is Hell? It's not so bad. You just have to smile more." And then bam, I see my old friend walking the opposite way. I ran after K, yelling. K stops turns around and sees me. All of a sudden it's all of my group of friends. K begins to talk. "This is not a dream. This is for real. Listen to me I have to tell you about..." But k didn't finish. I woke. What was K trying to tell me? I wish I could find out.
Her Lips

The lives of people became a story
Upon the withered lips of hers
Who tells the offspring of her womb
Of evils men have done and doing.
She tells that once they came to power
And sitting on the throne of gold
The humans race began to bicker
To fight and kill amongst itself
They shed the blood, like it was raining
And feet that stumped were thunderclaps
So many bodies littered earth
That scavengers refused to scavenge.
The people lived and loved in dread
Of being shot, of being dead
That they insisted on religion
To stop the fear of never living
And so with writing of the book
The people calmed the beating hearts
For there was something in the end,
Besides the rotting earth and dust
But, soon their hands grew very tired
Of chopping heads of fellow men.
They realized that they love living
And war was very costly game
Alas, it was too late for turning
For beast of war had quite a thirst
And petty words could not suffice it
The horrid beast hand heightened hopes
A sacrifice of flesh is needed
But where to get such costly thing?
The human race, so fully of loving,
Refused to march, and give to death.
Oh then, the mother speaks quite sadly
The graying head will shake in dread
My offspring listen to the tale
And you will not make this mistake
With hands all weary from the axes
The people turned to pen and ink
And on the white of ghostly paper
Drew they the creatures of their like.
The named it demon, soulless creature
With eyes as red as running blood
It could not cry nor laugh nor whimper
It lived to serve and serve it did.
“They are the puppets. We’re the masters.
We pull the strings and they will march
They won’t complain. They know of nothing.
They live to die and we to laugh.”
With glee, the people watched the front
It swept the east. It swept west’s dust.
The demons walked without a cause
But to be cut and to be lost.
And human race thought it efficient
For soulless creatures were not they.
Oh, but among the wicked people
The angels folded golden wings.
Their hands reached out to battered demons
Their mouths pled for time of change
Words did not come through to the people
But faded in the noise of war.
There was no pity in the world
For those who sought it were the hopeless
They could not stare into the eyes
Of soulless creatures, named the demons.
With wings cut up and hung on walls
And battered fingers smashed by boots
The angels withered into nothing
In hands of self-appointed gods.
No hope! The woman screams in frenzy
Her eyes are filled with crystal tears
No hope! My offspring, for the demons
When angels fail to move the hearts
Then know you, we have gone too far
We’ve hit the wall. Nowhere but up!”
“So what then, mother, should we do?”
The offspring pled her for an answer.
“Oh rise, my darling learned offspring!
Rise high with hands that touch the sky.
Turn heads as you are proudly marching
Not for the death, but life itself.
Speak loud over flying bullets
And disregard their holy lies
Too long held they their pens and axes!
End war. End dominance. End us!
We are no kings if we are bloody
For even blood of soulless ones
Is blood of children of our people.”
The offspring rise to mother’s calling
And with the keenness of true men,
March offspring into change of season
When voodoo of the spring will pass
When summer scorches fade away
And only when the cold befalls
Strike offspring to preserve the earth...
The woman dabbled her cracked lips
To wipe the taste of bitter endings.
The story cannot end like this!
The human lives are lived and living
And demons’ too and bloodied angels’.
Until the change comes sweeping through.
She tells the evils man are doing.
The man are doing and have done.

@настроение: So what's up? Me.


This world is too sex obsessed, and that's coming from me. My family... well my grnadfather is the most twisted perv on the face of the planet and he's seventy. Anyway, we all want some action. Everyone. My friend Be wanted to tell me that's she's bi. No way. No freaking way am I letting her do this. No way. You're either one or the other. There is no in between, that's a weakling's way out. If you're not straight, then don't tell me that you are. Don't mess with my head, it's already messed up enough. So she tells me that she's attracted to masculine woman. Big whoop. That means that you are straight but just because this society is erasing the line between genders, this confusion arrises. When else did males wear tight cloth and wore make up? When else did woman wore baggy-pants and were body-builders? Never. This is a new era and our sex-obsessed minds are having a hard time copping with this change. So next time someone tell me they're bi, I'm hitting them square in the jaw and kicking their ribs until they spit out blood. Got it?

P.S. Another day I have to spend with T and depressed attitude. Hate it through and through, but a project is a project. Damn it all.

@настроение: I wanna live. I wanna love. But it's long hard road out of hell.


Shaking from head to toe like a leaf in the wind. nerves are getting the better of me. A friend invited me to see Wicked today, but I can't. Perhaps now I would finally take to heart that being a procrastinator doesn't do me any good.

I look at the world through tired eyes, my ears filled with beats of music. I refuse to hear the voices of the people, begging asking for something. What was there to ask for? Money? Fame? Why? Why must we strive for materialistic comfort. Whatever happened to the general concern for the soul of the human kind? It's dead, like rock. It's dead like my belief in goodness of the human being. Death sprinkles fresh bodies of my dreams upon my head like ashes. No more pain. No more tears for lost loves. There's hatred within me. This is why I ignore. Long live the hypocricy of my soul.

@настроение: Your own personal Jesus


I really don't like one of my teachers. He pretends like he can changet he course of our lives by talking to us for 45 minutes. No. It doesn't work this way. If my paretns couldn't change that mean vibe in me for god knows how many years, some fifty year old wanna be can't cut. I'm sorry. I want my cranky pregnant teacher back. At least she did what we liked. Poetry.

Right now, my life is nearing zero because of shit load of homework. It's like the teachers decided one day that this week would be hell on earth for me. Conspiracy! Oh well, it snowed today. Looked like a fairy tale, with fluffy snowflakes falling on my new Slytherin scarf. Pretty stuff really, makes me wonder why the human hands can't create something so simple yet breath-taking. Perhaps it's because we are torturous creature full of self-pity instead of generosity. Or something of that sort.

@настроение: Anime Convention, here I come, my love!


I'm a freak and I know it. Been ignoring E like E doesn't even exist. I think that's because I can't handle drama or rejection well. What the hell does E see in T? I'm baffaled. I'm hurt and wounded and to add to everything, I'm irritated. Yesterday yelled at the parental unit after a great night out ( Pan's Labyrinth in Espaniol). Now they hate me. Whatever.

Sunday, plan to see Sa for a Super Bowl partey. Should be fun, even though I don't want football on regular bases. Again, whatever. Even freaks like me deserve some happiness.

@настроение: Go Bears!


I'm losing my sanity and temper... mostly my temper. And there's no surprise there. I'm stressed. I look at my hands I want to stab them, although they're already full of accidental cuts. These hands can do nothing right, can do no right. I mean, what have I done with my life so far? Study. That's it. All of my life I have only been studying. I'm horrified by that thought. There are fewers years for me to live, fewer years to exist. I'm afraid of few things and number one would be death. So there, I admit that I'm afraid to death and I have been for nearly two years.

I can't work with T. T upsets me. A lot. But the good news is that I might go to the movies on Saturday with a bunch of peeps from my crew. We'll see where this is going.

@настроение: Variations on uniformity.

Spank it like a Preacher