Yeah, so um, I haven't written anything in a long long time. have no fear, I am not dead yet, far from it. I'm alive and kicking.

Nothing much changed, I'm still freaking out about my college. I swear, it would be easier to find a soulmate than the right university. Which one? O woe is me if what I pick is slightly diverted from what I expected to get out out of higher education. Boo-goo. At the same time, my paretns aren't still pushing and pulling at me, while my mind somewhere else. Maybe I'm role-playing too much, because I sense that I'm detaching myself from this turbulent world too much. My mom thinks I'm in love with my computer. She's wrong. I'm in love with the world that is opened up through this curious machine. it's my window, my tool, I don't feel emotionally connected to the object unless it's connected to the world wide web. I love the people I meet, the people I role-play with, the people I argue and swear with and debate against. But I can't make her understand it because she still believes that all I do is watch porn. No, mom, I read it. I read my porn, k?

Anyway, I'm back into art and lots and lots of reading. My deviantart is going nowhere, though the poetry portion of my 'art' is getting a little better. I don't think I'll ever break the mark of 10 comments on my works, other than Death by Anal Seepage. recently I saw a movie Knocked Up and wanted to get my money back because my braincells were committing suicide during the whole two hours or something. I'm talking to my friend Ben a lot. He graduated now and so is just stepping into the real world. He's kind of like me, although he thinks that gay marriages are moral. Hell no. Have you read your Bible recently?

So.... sorry for not writing, my computer is a bitch and if I ever get my hands on one of those virus writters I will rip his fucking head off. Yeah...

@настроение: Miss me?


ah, if that isn't reality slapping you in the face and then grinning
and giving you a peace-sign anime-style, i don't know what is. Wonderful
concept, perfect amount of cynicism and absolute exasperation, and no
errors that i can see. All in all, it was lovely and perfectly deserving
of a favorite and a virtual pat on the back.

I can only hope that more people than just me will read that. You did a
great job at showing your opinion about messed-up society and making
people laugh (which tends to make people upset by that poem, less
upset). I especially liked the lines: That the clothes on your back are the
thought in your head.
Even though all the brain cells are happily dead.

You've put into words what I cannot. Thank you.

This poem is extreemly true and a well expressed opinion. Your right
about preety much all of it.

@настроение: I feel loved.


I do understand that I'm a very moody person. I'm inconsistent, though I despise inefficiency. It's hypocritical of me, but then again I'm human. At one time I hated myself for being one of the six billion meat bags troding the world aimlessly. But now, I guess I'm used to the idea that sooner or later this youth and vigor of my body will leave me and I will become someone else. I cannot bring back time or loop it around my finger and each time it suits, relive certain aspects of my life. I am afraid of old age and I miss my childhood because it was the only time I didn't concern myself with anything of universal value. There was I and my imagination and nothing else existed. I don't think that my existence is pitiful and yet I can't see a way that my breathing and being can in some way influence the world. I'm just a grain in the sand. There are so many people who are very much alike with me. So really, I'm just a regular human being, despite my flaws and quirks.

@настроение: Defining sentence one p at a time.


I'm a little tired and a little dishearted. All of these choices are polluting my brain with doubts. My life, my future, depends on this very choice. Which college should I go to? Which people should I meet and how should I talk to them? It reminds me of a game of chess, but alas, I was never good at it. I suppose that any missteps on my part would eventually even out, though I can't be sure anything could be done if I make the wrong turn. It's these self doubts that have been pestering me this past week. No matter what I do, there is an alternative waiting to remind me of its existence. I can't say that I'm lost, just not sure which road is the right road. The end destination is the same at any rate, but it's the way that counts.

Here's an unfinished poem.

Self-propelling images of fault
Determination that my genetic code
Does not meet the standards of the top
That I can never imitate the ‘Pop’
Is causing my brain to melt down
And I can’t stop, when I’m bound
To look into the faces on the screen
And through my frustration scream
That no one looks like that without getting a nose job!


Now then, let me turn off the tube
Return to my humble old book
And in my gloomy self condemnation
Seek the promised explanation.
Now then, let me simply remark
Even though my judgment is dark
That those blue eyed smiling monstrosities
Packed at by the world as curiosities
Could be nothing but deformation of morality
And as I see it in reality
They are nothing but dolls with a key in a hole.

They are programmed to ruin the rest of world
As they’re trying to spread their horrible word
That the clothes on your back are the thought in your head
Even though all the brain cells are happily dead.
You must day after day, through the sun and the rain
Wear the clothes that make hookers look in disdain.
Shade your hair with exotics of yellow and blond
(Yes I know that yellow may not be right,
but lucky for me, I have grown to be blunt )
Now then, turn from the good and the righteous and selfless
When you’re looking for stores and the purses at half sales

@настроение: Those damn insurances, leeches on our backs.



good: safe neighborhood, tightly knit community, eaily
accessible proffesros. classes taught by professors,
close realtions with 2 other colleges, friendly,
manageable, study abroad junior year, third division
tennis., liberal college, no need to apply to one
school and stick to it

bad: secluded, no 'real world' apparent experince,
small community, easy to get sick of, need to get away
with study abroad program, limited number of classes,
hour away from city, little space to roam around.


good: large listing of courses, no strick core
curriculum, active beautiful city, , large language
department, a lot of new people to meet, more
opportunities to experince the real world.

bad: bad neighborhood, too aggressive, right in the
city, loud, a lot of people, big, overwhelming,
commmitment to one school, little interraction between
schools, housing isn't guranteed for all 4 years, some
classes taught by graduate students, larger class

good: beautiful campus, a lot of space,progressive,
liberal, less stress of grades, competitve but not too
aggressive, small community, smaller classes, classes
taught by professors, division 3 sport, new science
building, courses vs honors: available to all, 20
minutes from city, good nightborhood, woods/hiking,
study abroad

bad:maybe too academically directied, small community,
might get sick of it, too much privacy with too few
people. less opportunities to meet new people, no gpa

@настроение: It's my choice.


As of latley, I have been changing my sleeping pattern, becoming something of a night's child. Oh well, I will get back to the regular times sooner or later. I mean, how long can I take insomnia? Not for too long.

@настроение: Hey Mr. Superman, I wanna be your little girl.


A Year Or A Day
Uriah Heep

Seen from a height of a thousand miles the earth
looks the same as it did
How is it we can fly faster than day
but we can't find the things we need

Young man said the old man
Let the youth in your heart be at rest
We may all be dead in a year or a day
When the devil is put to the test
Test, test, TEST!

The day of creation was our finest hour it's
something we ought to defend
But it's been so abused since the first day of light
that no glory can come in the end

Young man cried the old man
There is victory in staying alive
And if you care so little for the world we're in
Why and what do you want to survive

Can't we try to let the past go by, with its lessons firmly
settled in our minds
To our children one by one and before the darkness comes
let us leave a world full of light of a different kind

In truth they should meet and with love their hearts should beat
And with patience solve the problems of our time
It wouldn't be so hard to do, it's only up to me and you
Let us not bequeath a life that is a crime

Seen from a height of a thousand miles the earth
looks the same as it did
How is it we can fly faster than day
but we can't find the things we need

Young man cried the old man
Let the youth in your heart be at rest
We may all be dead in a year or a day
When the devil is put to the test whoa

Young man cried the old man
Let the youth in your heart be at rest
We may all be dead in a year or a day
When the devil is put to the test whoa

Young man, young man

@настроение: .return to my fantasy.


In the grayness of my dawn, I begin to realize that we no longer demand for things. We quaintly ask for them and they're bestowed upon us as though we deserve it. Well, do we? I begin to doubt that. After all, does a murderer deserve all the gifts of our technology if he or she acts solely on animalistic impulses? And what about the stupid people. They do nothing for the society, but pollute it with their simple sentimentalities and their perception that the world is divided along the line of good and evil. Bah, it's all nonsense. A well programmed machine can do what they could not, be efficient. Our gene pool is invaded by grime and dirt and there is no reason in this world to clean it up. We aren't even the bronze age anymore. We're the age of the rust. It is no wonder that people believe that the world is coming to an end. Just look around and you will see the signs that the human society exhausted its resources. We cannot prove that we dominate and each move that we make, destroys what precious little we created. We have become the clumsy giants, tripping over their own feet while eyes are blinded by petty promises. My my. How low we've sunk and yet how highly we regard ourselves. There is no salvation for this world. it will burn down in flames of its own making.

@настроение: Smack that bitch.


I'm free. I'm finally completely free. No more school. It's OVER, FIN, done for and ready to be forgotten... for a week. I still have to go to summer school and what not. What a bother this education is. After all, it wouldn't save me from time. If anything, it wastes my golden youth. Oh well.

What to tell? There is nothing really. This year has been a toughy and even though not all of my expectations were met, I'm still satisfied. Yes, I didn't catch E's eye, and I didn't get the perfect ACT score, but who cares? This is an end and a new beginning. I'm throwing out my old ripped jeans and taking a breath of fresh air. I'm free and that means I can indulge in nothingness.

@настроение: Trilogy of desire.


switchvariable: I think he made the same lame eighth grade attempts to land a date as the rest of us, and failed like most of us
No Name: Ah, well, I would guess it takes special kind of people to land dates on will. The rest of us have to live on mercy of fate.
switchvariable: really? my friend claims he has a %100 success rate with this one pickup line
No Name: what is it/
switchvariable: 'Does this rag smell like chlorophorm to you?'


“To love and be loved? It is asking much from a soulless monster,” calmly the vampire commented. Of course, he did over simplify the woman’s reason, but it helped Dimitri to comprehend the whole situation. “If I were to adopt her way, perhaps then I would have an answer for that damn question of his,” he murmured under his breath more to himself than anyone else. Dimitri ran a hand through his hair, breathing in the dusty smell of the church. Narcotic calmness overtook him in one sweep. He turned, regarding the nun with nothing but protective coldness.

All right, he was ready to face his tormentor, perhaps even accept the wretched fate. And as long as there was hope that by sacrificing his old ways, he would win back lives of his kin, he was willing to do just so. He would be a martyr. Yes, yes… that sounded like a worthy cause to live. Even though it was a perversion of the ‘love and be loved’ that he initially pinpointed, it was a radical turn from selfishness that was harbored in his brain. “I have nothing more to say.” Dimitri moved to the door, opening it with his back to the human. And then, despite the near physical pain, he murmured the words that were never spoken by him for hundred years to a human. “Thank you.” Dimitri went in search of his master to set the record straight that a vampire was not a purposeless creature after all.

@музыка: Come Away Melinda by Uriah Heep


My mother is the worst person on the face of earth. I tried to help a friend with a problem concerning a cold-hearted mean as hell teacher, and you know what she said to me? "Why do you bother? You haven't solved any of YOUR problems." You know what? I'm just acting the way you freaking raised me. If you want me to stump on people, then be my guest... but I'm not doing this to the people with whom I hang out on weekends and see more often than you. That's exactly why you don't have any friends anymore. Sometimes you swallow your own problems and help someone else. If you case you fucking don't know what the word is, it's 'selflessness' and in this life it's rewarded sometimes.


@настроение: I like it. I'm not gonna crack.


You know what I'm sick of? Promises. People feed my promises as though I need them to survive. I begin to seriously doubt my liking of the human race. They ressort to lieing too easily for my taste. why, if I could be anything, I would be a voicless ant in a colony. One cannot fake chemical messeges and besides, why would anant lie? It only lives to serve the colony so that the colony would prosper. And anyway, doens't anyone think of commitments anymore? I swear, the world is more selfish than I am.. and that's saying a lot, you know.


@настроение: Make every shot, power shot.


Cicadas haven't come yet, but there are still much excitement to reap. My god, for the first time in my freaking life I got a second place in a tennis tournament. Can you believe this? It's an amazing feeling, like I'm invincible. I can take on the world and win. It's mine for the taking. In addition to this trophy, my POEM was published in school's journal. There is just no limit to my happiness.. and the woman who put it all together said that The Ballad of Emo was her favorite poem in the whole collection. Hells yes!

Now, I'm waiting for the school to end and university to start. There are two weeks left before my junior year ends. I've made new friends this year with the seniors and a few juniors. Of course, I also had to let go off some acquittance because they are lying bastards that should be stabbed in the jaw. But that's just me, you know? Of all the years in this school, I bet I'll remember this one the most. E is no more. E is going to college next year. Oh sure, I lost my chance at fulfilling my premature dreams, but I bet it's for the better. E wasn't the right person for me. I doubt anyone I know is the right person for me in that sense. Oh, and another good news. Kat finally gave up. I guess my act of ignorance worked in the end. It wasn't easy, I'll say, but a rewarding victory. I rather like being straight and don't want to be anything but that. It's not the matter of God or religion, but that I'm proud of my genetics and I want them to be in the future generations of the human race... unless we all die in 2012.

If you had entered once my heart
I would have never been in fright.
But you were leaving me aside,
You wouldn’t let divine eye slide
And see my palms in the high heavens,
As I have prayed with many millions
To spare the world of hopeless souls.
One angel, sent to be my guide,
And whisper truth through darkest night
Would save me from my constant lying
And growing up with depth inside.
If you had been with me forever
I would have never turned away
I would have shunned the life of science
I would have spit in Darwin’s face.
But here, I let that darkest spirit
Embrace my useless to you flesh
And rearrange the words in mouth
To fester sight of light and day.
So, dearest God, in your existence
You wouldn’t care for any one
And I, a lonely human being
Is nothing but an ant to you.
But hear my voice, up in the heavens
For as I speak, some heads will nod.
If joy have never been expected
And we live out our days in sin
If we await the Judging Hour
Why poke us cruelly with a stick?
And if I meet you face to face
Upon the kingdom in the heavens
And say to you, how you betrayed me
Would turn you other precious cheek?
Would love you neighbor that’s disdaining?
Would call you holy murder-sin?
And when the Judgment day would come,
Will spare you your one honest critic?
Because Two Thousand Twelve is close
Much closer than the End should come.

My new role-play partner is kicking ass and taking names.

@настроение: 1950's suberbia? It may seem strange, but if you believe in Karma, I'm certain I have bad karma from the 1940-1950's era- everything about this time makes me feel somesort of uncomfortable, unhappy nostalgia. Strange dreams and thoughts of distinct furnit


Justin Timberlake


You know what you want,
and that makes you just like me.
See everybody says you're hot baby,
but can you make it hot for me?
Said if you're thinking about holding back,
Don't worry girl,
cause I'm gonna make it so easy.
So slide a little bit closer to me little girl.
See daddy's on a mission to please.
Wait a second.

She's hopped up for me
I've got her in my zone
Her body's pressed up on me
I think she's ready to blow.
Must be my future.
Sex love sound
And when it goes down
Baby all you've got to do is,

Just tell me which way you like that
all you gotta do is
Tell me which way you like that
do you like it like this
do you like it like that
tell me which way you like that
Tell me which way you like that

You can't stop baby
You can't stop once you've turned me on
And your enemy are your thoughts baby
So just let em go
Cause all I need is a moment alone
To give you my tongue,
and put you outta control
And after you let it in, we'll be skin to skin,
It's just so natural.

Wait a second

She's hopped up for me
I've got her in my zone
Her body's pressed up on me
I think she's ready to blow
Must be my future.
Sex love sound.
And when it goes down
baby all you gotta do is

Just tell me which way u like that
all you gotta do is
Tell me which way u like that
do u like it like this
do u like it like that
just tell me which way u like that
Tell me which way u like that

Future sex love sound
Future sex love sound
Future sex love sound
Future sex love sound

Wait a second

She's hopped up for me
I've got her in my zone
Her body's pressed up on me
I think she's ready to blow
Must be my future sex love sound
And when it goes down
baby all you gotta do is

Just tell me which way you like that
all you gotta do is
Tell me which way you like that
do you like it like that
tell me which way you like that
Tell me which way you like that

@настроение: Hugs for all the seniors.


I'm not happy... again. It's windy outside and scorching. I'm filled with anticipation of tsicada arrival, a swarm of biblical proportions. Every one keeps talking about it, hiding under petty conversations what they truly need to say. I do the same. The year is over and I lost my last opportunity to reach out for the dream. I lose time. All those pretty butterflies that I admire each day, only brush against my fingertips but never are mine. I feel like a loser. I want to blame the weather or stress on my mood, but I can't. it's just me. I am responcible for the depression I'm feeling right now. And I can't, like my mother, pick up the shards of dreams and move on. A dreamer cannot abandon his dreams. I cannot abandon my dream and so i wither away under the scorching sun of my May...and I'm waiting for the tsicadas like I'm waiting for life to begin.

@настроение: I supported once the President, but I think the war must end.


@настроение: Will you sign my yearbook?


John supposed that something strange must have happened over night if Sullivan was so willing to cooperate. He was down right excited, but preserved his cool. For a moment he watched the younger male and then went to fetch first the bowls and then the spoons. He set them on the table, giving Sullivan the liberty to arrange them anyways, any way the younger male wanted to. It wasn’t that Lavington was escaping the decision-making, but rather was giving Sullivan an upper hand after the agreement.

He glanced out of the window. Over night, obviously, the snow didn’t melt yet. Dimly the man wondered if it would snow any time soon. He didn’t really want to shovel snow on his vacation. By the eyes returned to the kitchen soon enough. “I have a random question,” he said. “How surprised is Neko gonna be when he finds out that we’re dating?” John sat down on the chair, eyes locked on Sullivan.

@настроение: I have water in places water was never meant to touch. My crotch!


People are idiots. They should just go and kill themselves because they are wasting space and oxygen. I admire serial killers now because they're weeding out and you know that we DO need weeding out. There are too many people in this world and too many drooling empty headed mean-spirited jack-asses. They make me want become a cannibal, though they would probably poison me with their idiocy.

Shannon is a fucking liar and should be stabbed in the jaw. Cat needs to lay off hitting on me. I am NOT interested. NOT INTERESTED. Jeff needs to get a fucking stick out of his damn ass and stop all the fucking personal attacks. I hate that fucking guy. Fuck. And what else? Oh yeah, my school is full of shit. They're going to magnatize the fucking doors. What's next? Put collars on us with barcodes. It's not enough that they replaced our names with numbers, they need to take away our freedom too. GREAT.

Other than all of this shit, I'm feeling peachy. Can't wait to go on killing rampage and fucking murder all of those fuckers.

I give up. There is nothing to write anymore.
All the topics are hackneyed, jaded down, and worn
War and love? Reminiscence and past’s undone deeds?
Petty beauty of nature and rain with a kiss?
There’s a flame of red rust, covering these old notions.
Nothing’s coming to mind. Nothing stands anymore.
And no matter how flashy the title might be
In the end it will fall into one category.
So no more. No more topics with pointed dark reason.
From now on, all eccentrics are brothers of mine.
And we’re going to make revolution in writing.
Yes, idea of changing terrifies even me.
But fear not, we are mild, even lazy and tired
So until this fiesta will kick into gear
I will go and write poem about my lost love
Substituting the names with imaginative lies.

@настроение: You're walking on dangerous ground.


I wonder how many patehtic posts I already had the provelege to scribble in this internet-wahetevr. A lot. I can't write anything deep like.. the meaning of life is chicken. I don't know. I'm always tired and always pissed fof and lately I've been saying ten words aday and most of them were insults anyway. So there. Something is wrong with me or the stick up my ass. I just need a little break, break someone's bones... disappear on some desolate island and reappear all fresh and ready. Unfortunatly, no one in my family owns a private island so I'm stuck here, in the Suburbs, breathing in the sickly sweet smell of early magnolias and rain. Yes, it's raining right now and I had to run through that freaking rain to school. Behind me I could hear someone's irregular footsteps. It was my classmate, but I didn't feel like stopping or talking.
Anyway, you probably don't want to read about the weather patterns on my side of the universe. The real juicy stuff? ACEN was fun. I guess. My friend Sa was being a real bitch, but I was too sleepy to actually tell her off. So I went along to the Final Fantasy photoshoot or whatever, even though I really REALLY wanted to go to the Naruto panel. People took pictures of my costume. I went to the concert of HIGH AND MIGHTY COLORS, a Japanese band that I will never see again in my entire life, and I went to the FullMetal Alchemist penal, which was probably the funenst one there. What else did I do? Juts bough shit and complained about my shoes. I didn't flirt or kiss or hug no body. I think that fact that there were drag-queens galore freaked me out. There was some fake bondage too.. so I don't know. I'm not used to actually brushing shoulders with pervertedness.

I can't say that I'm depressed, but I'm not particualrly happy either. It's one of the neaa with a shrug days.

@настроение: ACEN is the only place where you doubt every one's sex.

Spank it like a Preacher