Something Inside

When the one thing you're looking for
Is nowhere to be found
And you back stepping all of your moves
Trying to figure it out
You wanna reach out
You wanna give in
Your head's wrapped around what's around the next bend
You wish you could find something warm
'Cause you're shivering cold
It's the first thing you see as you open your eyes
The last thing you say as your saying goodbye
Something inside you is crying and driving you on
It's the first thing you see as you open your eyes
The last thing you say as your saying goodbye
Something inside you is crying and driving you on

'Cause if you hadn't found me
I would have found you
I would have found you

So long you've been running in circles
'Round what's at stake
But now the times come for your feet to stand still in one place
You wanna reach out
You wanna give in
Your head's wrapped around what's around the next bend
You wish you could find something warm
'Cause you're shivering cold
It's the first thing you see as you open your eyes
The last thing you say as your saying goodbye
Something inside you is crying and driving you on
It's the first thing you see as you open your eyes
The last thing you say as your saying goodbye
Something inside you is crying and driving you on

'Cause if you hadn't found me
I would have found you
I would have found you

It was your first taste of love
Living upon what you had

It's the first thing you see when you open your eyes
The last thing you say as your saying goodbye
Something inside you is crying and driving you on

'Cause if you hadn't found me
I would have found you
I would have found you
I would have found you
I would have found you

@настроение: Life is a beautiful journey. Enjoy it.


That's Obama for yo Mama

That's it. WE survived the eight years. The Texans can be proud again of being Texans and we can look on with hope into the future. No, I'm not saying that we've been save. No, rather we've been promised for something else, something better. We were given hope. Maybe the world would stop hating US a little less. Why not? It's a great country? It cares for its people, more or less. Yeah, there are idiots, hicks, racists, murders, and regular down to earth scum, but there are wonderful talented intelligent people who change our world every day. We deserve hope.

Now, all's left is to cross our fingers and wait. Thing can't be worse than they are. Only the good times would follow. I'm sure.

@настроение: Yes we can.


I finally ressurected the right Diary. Thank god. The other one was bothering me too much. Jeez, I was an ass as a 14 year old. Hopefully, I'm way better now.

@настроение: I am the man in the box.


Suddenly, I have this power of attraction. Of course, only gay men attract to me yet, but it's better than nothing. Could it be my new confidence or the award winning smile? I suppose it's my cynical perspective when when it comes to the word that other grew into. Kewl. Maybe there is hope for me yet...though gay men aren't exactly my plan of action.

@настроение: I got my ears pierced and I got into a college.


Remember November 29th. Your childhood died then and would be buried on Saturday at one. If only I could say goodbye to her in person.


The Ballad of Maxwell Demon by Shudder to Think

Got tired of wasting gas living above the planet
Mister, show me the way to earth
The boys of Quadrant 44 with their vicious metal hounds
Never come around here no more
Sometimes I wonder if I'm still alive
Six feet down at age 25
Maxwell Leather Demon rock hand jive

I came down like water
For the age of solar
Hail to the father
Kiss your sons and daughters
Goodbye goodbye
Steam steady roller
Lady tongue controller
Ten feet tall, better walk it back down

Despite the great duress, always get off 'cause damn it!
It's the only sure-fire way to win
Your poison doesn't hurt me, no
Tender wine disguised in a milk-fat fair kiddie show
I'm here to celebrate the one below
At last I've heard from good God above
As the slap on my ass by a lipstick-kissed elbow glove

I came down like water
For the age of solar
Hail to the father
Kiss your sons and daughters
Goodbye goodbye
Steam steady roller
Lady tongue controller
Ten feet tall, better walk it back down
I came down like water
For the age of solar
I came down like water
Kiss your sons and daughters

Ten feet tall, better walk it back down

@настроение: Whateva


Sometimes you watch a movie and it strikes you. It grips into your brains and refuses to leave them alone until you mule over every last second of the film. I hate it and yet, how sweet is the time when you're free from the terror of pondering. There's not to say that it's not an enjoyable process all around. Rather, I would think, it's like a labor of the mind. Admittedly, only a good movie would make you think, a film with words and images that spark doubt. Was it right to be this way or another? What am I to do now? What are we supposed to do now?

And in the end, we do nothing. We suffer through the muling and the pondering and the dissection and then we let it float away. As sad as it might be, it's for the better. If we all started our own little thought revolutions, there wouldn't be any peace on earth. Homogeneity of thought is a better path for society to take. Then, I would think, films, books, art, and dance would have to be outlawed. They provoke us to think too much. For just as Julius Caesar commented about Cassius "He thinks too much and such men are dangerous," I believe so too. Thought is a weapon, far more powerful than a nuclear blast or a vacuum bomb, that we so often underestimate. Mere thought overturns mountains because thought produced TNT. Thought bound the world to serve us.

So why then, do I bother myself with wonder why some people are devoid of it? It's good that some are not meant to think. It saves a whole lot of trouble for future generations. So yeah.... I should stop watching movies on youtube.

Jonathan Meyer

@настроение: The handsomest man in all the Europe.



I've been so angry recently. I know I shouldn't be, but I feel lost. Here I am at the crossroad of my life, the most exciting part of it all, and I'm backing down. I don't want to be me or what I became. I'm bored. Yes, I'm terribly bored. My mind can no longer create fantasies to amuse me. It's dry and I'm bored. Perhaps that is the reason why I'm so fucking angry. I want it all back. I want it back. Won't someone give it back to me?

@настроение: We know what you want.


They always say there is something waiting for you at the end of the rainbow, a pot of gold. But what is gold anyway? Is happiness not the actual journey you undertake. There is nothing in the future, but there is promise of eternity in the past. Am I wrong? What is there in the future but death, but in the past there is birth, there is childhood, there prime of life and love.. true love, not the one induced by viagra and a few dirty dollars. Future is bleak and frightening and the past clouds quickly, full of cobwebs and holes. And missing it doesn't bring back the few precious moments of each delicious breath. There is fear and that fear paralyzes my heart, stifles my breathes when I try to sleep. Before my eyes there is darkness of his future. It is boundless, but there is an end. That end, I fear that end. I dread its existence and mention. We study history in hopes of understanding the future. I study history in order to comfort myself with the fact that in it I am immortal.

@настроение: They always did call me Teacher's Pet.


This is an open letter to the president of the United States of America.

I hope you are sitting comfortably in your leather chair, in the oval room, in the white house, signing your decrees.

I hope you haven’t forgotten that you have retired from the Kyoto agreement,
that you have agreed to log the forests of America.

Do you know what its like to be an immigrant in your own country?
Do you know what its like to be living below the line of poverty?
Do you know what its like to be a Polish man, a Russian man, a Ukraine man?

It seems to me quite peculiar Mr. President that you don't see the world, the world around you. X2

I'd like to ask you Mr. President, maybe you should take another trip, yeah.

Do you know what its like to be an African man, a Chinese man an Indian man?
Do you know what its like to live in a system based on manipulation?

It seems to me Mr. President you haven't given much thought to your brother and sisters of this earth on which you live.

It seems to me you are very alone, I can even say all alone, I can even say all alone, yeah.

I think you are all alone Mr. President, I hope you don't have another term, I hope you don’t start another war Mr. President.

I bet your mamma is proud of you, I bet your daddy is so proud of his little boy junior, I bet you found your destiny on that fateful day of 9/11, congratulations Mr. President.


I'm tired. Honestly, my head is about to explode and all the god damn things that could go wrong, go wrong.

The good news is that an acquittance of mine offered to joinly write adult fan fiction, which means, she wants me to help her to write porn. Sure, I don't mind. In a way, it is a medium for creativity. All the things you can do with a plunger....on the other, I am no stranger to erotic writing. I already have good few years behind my back in writing erotica. It's a very rare fact about me. No one knows about it except for the people I role-play with. What would my parents say? They would probably get out their torches and go burn me down as a witch. I'm so messed up because of them. Any mention of sex makes me wince. But, apparently, I have no problem writing or sketching any of the mating practices. I think that's messed up. That's very messed up and I wish I could reverse myself. Anyway, it should be a fun venture. I wonder what people would have to say about my writing.

He was pressing his knees, god knows where, advancing to conquer the whole of Riley. The inside was becoming an oven. He felt the heat rise and found it all the more reason to keep up the pace. His roaming hand finally found the opening, and soon enough slid under the cloth of the other's shirt. Under his palm, Riley's skin felt heavenly and he ravaged it, teasing the sides with lazy yet meaningful strokes. Eric didn't press the other back just yet. All in good time, resolved Lavington as his lips worked against the other's with the same boisterous need.

But once the access was granted, Eric jumped at the opportunity. His tongue slipped between the other's lips, mulling over the molars and the roof of the mouth. He was surprisingly lazy in his exploration, each motion deliberately slow. Eric couldn't wait for a groan or a moan that would be shared by the two of them, the thought making him nearly quiver. He pulled away just before gracing the other's tongue. "You're entirely too clothed," he breathed in rough gusts, words separated by momentary pauses.

@настроение: Just a city boy.


@настроение: It's badass.


Dust to Dust

Blame the world for you heart’s weakness
For it tempts you with its richness
If you lived within four walls
Never would you take its falls.
Blame the author of this poem
I had been your jeroboam
Lived as though each day was last
And you envied. Dust to dust.
You could not have hurt my feelings.
True, I’ve never done these dealings
Stayed away from that fine line
That you didn’t want defined.
True my ignorance was blissful
And your thoughts were dark and sinful.
Not one word to hold you down
Though in past we both can drown
But know this, without you
Nothing old will start anew.

September 6, 2007

“Et tut, Brute?” he asked so meekly
for she had too turned into fiend.
Whatever happened to sick sweetness?
My, my how things are quick to change.
A rattle snake will share her niceness,
He realized alas too late,
For just like her, its tell-tale rattle
Will tell of coming of the fangs.
She left him bleeding in the hallway,
The knife to handle in his back.
And yet he stood, so proud and dignant
While he was walked on by the rest.
He fumed and raged and thundered greatly
But all in silence. Not a word…
And then upon some whim of broken,
A smile broke upon his face.
She was surprised. He was still standing.
What could he have up in his sleeve?
His chin was raised and eyes inclined.
He spoke to her with sweetened rhyme.
“All is too bad, my dearest darling.
I hope that hell ‘ll be to your liking
Because upon my name I swear
We’ll meet again, no where but there.”

@настроение: Writes poetry like breathes of spring.


They frustrate me just so.. with these idiotic ideas that they pull out of their ass and make me deal with. How? How dare I imply that they are anything BUT perfect? I must be mad, simply mad and incapable of seeing the divine truth of their revelation. Oh the poor miserable me... I should just crawl under a rock and die so as to not tarnish their presence. Bah, they're so full of shit. Such hypocrites. it sickens me jusst so. And yet, there is nothing that I can do. I have to suffer because of them, always suffer. I hate the fact that I can put myself into another's shoes. It's doing nothing to forward me in life, only puts me down. And my... my parents. They claim that they restrict nothing and yet, they have trained me so that I am incapable of saying 'no' of rebelling. they must be so proud of their trained pup.

I am disappointed in people, in the whole human race. Be I god, i would surely destroy this society once and for all, good and wicked together. No amount of the good would be able to outweigh the evils of this world. Why bother? Nothing comes out of being considered. Nothing at all. I want to laugh in their faces at what they make me go through every day. Guh, their fakeness is suffocating me. That is the human way, to pave a road to paradise with the bones and flesh around. Not that I am surprised. I do believe I have been writing about it for ages and a half. And that is why I am so bitter and sick of all of this. I just want to tell them all " Sod off" and walk away.

@настроение: Who the fuck came up with the lay out for this website?


It's true. Starvation is the best way to punish oneself. I don't know how long I will last, but the fact that none of my family gives a crap about me, provides a great enough motvation to continue this rpactice. yes, my head is swimming and I feel sick. My belly rumbles and I have distinctly strange ideas of suicide running through my mind, but it can be all worth it. I now know that my family is incapable of pity. They can only yell and accuse me but no pity. there is no love in their hearts for me. i am but an empty space that carries their name. I'm a stupid dog that have to take care of, but I'm not an equal. No, i'm not even wortyh of their pity. I'm worth nothing. I wonder if they even wanted me in the first place. what a bother my life had been to them. an extra mouth that had to be fed during the 90's and now an emotional mess they're too old to deal with. so what now? i know starvation is little of an answer and my will is so weak. I can't say yell back. I'm thrown into silence and I hold back the hot tears, but they keep on coming. I can't see straight but they don't care. they don't want to deal with this. It's more fun to watch Federer play Davidenko than deal with me. I have no reason to exists except to consume and be a burden to the eco-system.


My my, I don't get most of you people. Is it American custom to be a complete ass to your friends, or is it just the traditions of the select few? I am very confused. Do please enlighten the ignorant immigrant for I am to live in this barren land for the rest of my life, longing for the unattainable past. Is there rules to be the best jerk you can in school? Because by all means, I would try my hardest to conform, because rebellion is nonexistent ( yes, even black isn't rebel's color).

Anyway, I'm too tired to keep track of who's talking to whom and who is talking to no one. Care to make me a list I could post on my locker door?

@настроение: As the circle of light gets bigger, so does the perimeter of darkness.


School started, but it feels more like it never ended. My brain is in a bad funk, locked up from new ideas and the old are churning too slowly for the mad pace. Everyone else is so refreshed and I look like the undead. To be honest, I am jealous. And plus, my coach is a dumbass. He yelled at us today because we left before waiting for him to get back from a meeting. Well, shithead, an hour isn't what you call late just a tine bit. That's called being a jackass for leaving us in the 90 degree sun without any fucking water. Of course we were going to leave. We're not THAT dedicated and now thanks to this, we might be even less so. It's not like you do shit. I'm the one who has to push every one through practice. Who comes up wit drills? Um, yeah, that's right it's me. I should be the one to get paid. Seriously.

And now Sarah is being an ass too. Her life is just so stressed, that god forbid she talks to anyone of us. We're so horrible to her because we have fucking lives and she's NOT the center of our lives. What the hell is her fucking problem? The little shit ass drama queen. I'm too tired to deal with her shit. She better figure things out because I'm not going to to do for any of them. Yes, fuck them all. I can't wait to go to college and cut away the strings tying me to them. It's time to grow up.

@настроение: And the world goes round.


I know I haven't written in a while.. but there was nothing to write. School starts in three days and I'm anything but enthusiastic about a prospect with filling my day with constant activity. I'm lazy and proud of it.

@настроение: Gigglegarsm.


I'm a captain of the tennis team. Hm, hard work DOES pay off.

Dimitri was using the colorful parts of the language, making such unforeseen combination that it was no wonder that he ended up in Hell, foul-mouthing Elsa’s mother, father, and anything that the demon ever touched. Unfortunately, he was stopped in the middle of a long tirade and only muffled gasps came. Dimitri chewed bitterly at the black cloth. He saw nothing, but he heard everything he ever needed to know about what was going to happen. And let me tell you, Dimitri wasn’t thrilled, not all. He began fighting against he binds again, tossing his pretty blonde head around, practically growling his frustration. Sweat was standing out on his creamy skin and the moon, being particularly cold hearted, couldn’t help but peek into the window, its pale face contorted with amusement. And the man could have sworn on his own grave that he heard the stars of Hell’s heavens leer up above.

With clothes gone and a realization dawning upon him that they were both in the nude, Dimitri felt the urgency ever more prick at his insides. His attempts to throw off the demon only left him moaning against the gag. That damn knee of deamon’s! He threw his head back, arching, wriggling under Elsa’s hold, basking in pain and hotness of the other’s mouth against his stomach and chest.

@настроение: Um.... yeah.

Spank it like a Preacher