Комментарии
2012-01-17 в 13:02 

Umeko
Ведь в этом мире мне нечего больше терять, кроме мертвого чувства предельной вины...
It doesn't matter now who was brave
Who acted like the Destiny's blind puppet
The Truth's as well depicted and enslaved
And sounds weak howled down with the trumpets

The mock of fate, the wiliness of doom
Embedding curses and some hidden legends
The end - at last the audience will swoon
And burst into applause, with no questions

:) it's my firs poetic translation from Russian to English, pls be charitable!

2012-01-18 в 08:15 

teldreaming
Your English is way better than my Russian, trust me...

You're doing pretty well with the rhyming there and the meter's excellent.

I would add another syllable to the first line. The line is understandable without it, it just helps the flow. "It doesn't matter now who here was brave"

Once you start to personify concepts like truth and destiny and capitalize them they don't get articles anymore. But it's an easy fix: "And who acted like Destiny's blind puppet" These lines are quite good.

Unfortunately the next three lines sound confused in English and I'm not sure how to untangle them at a glance. I will emphasize that translation of these songs is not easy even for me.

I would not use the word "embedding" here. I cannot give you an explanation, I just wouldn't.

"The end - at last the audience will swoon" is perfectly good poetry but maybe a tad overdramatic :D

The last line - English idiom would be "without a question". Otherwise fine.

2012-01-18 в 09:32 

Umeko
Ведь в этом мире мне нечего больше терять, кроме мертвого чувства предельной вины...
teldreaming, I'm confused about "embedding" myself - please find some 3-syllable adjective with 2nd one stressed that matches "curces", and it's done ;-) Embodied, maybe?

OK, quit capitalizing to save the sound, that's my slogan )) In "And who acted like Destiny's blind puppet" the rythm is broken as you should stress E in "acted".

Overdramatic word for the last song is a bit of humor, heh? "We can tell you what to do after this song ends!"

"without a question" breaks the line, you see (( Either "without question(s)" or as I wrote. Are there so strict grammar rules in songs lyrics? I doubt so.

Anyway thank you so much for your help! A native English speaker is a great treasure in this kind of work :friend:

2012-01-18 в 10:26 

teldreaming
It doesn't introduces a meter problem - not to my ear, anyway. Some small variations can be made with no problems - it probably needs a native speaker to hear where, but I'm comfortable with those suggestions.

"applause with no questions" does have a meter/stress problem. It's making weird things happen to "applause". The general pattern of "applause without a question" will work - "applause with great affection"? "applause at our perfection" if you want to add to the humor :D

You're still using destiny in the same way so the extra "the" problem is still there.

I'm not sure I want to dig deeper into this song right now - my feeling is that there's a lot of other stuff that needs to be translated before the epilogue becomes a major worry :)

2012-01-18 в 10:41 

Awaiter
Umeko, :love:
Мне не хватает знания английского, но мне кажется, что тебе удалось передать иронию финального блока, его глумливую насмешку, снижающим градус пафосности.
В тексте должно быть много речевых штампов, чтобы сбить накал страстей после Памяти, чтобы получился небольшой дероллинг.

2012-01-18 в 11:03 

Umeko
Ведь в этом мире мне нечего больше терять, кроме мертвого чувства предельной вины...
teldreaming, "applause at our perfection" is the best for me ))) Let's ask Jetta-e if she's OK with this line.

Awaiter, сэнькс э лот ))))

2012-01-18 в 11:15 

jetta-e
"На крышах Форбарр-Султаны шафранный закат померк..."
Я что, я не против :) если я увижу нечто, с чем категорически не соглашусь, так сама непременно скажу

     

"Legend of Prince" rock opera

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