.vogue
Slay your dragons before breakfast
Page 8 out of 365
Every night I dream of strangers falling in love with me. And then wake up to complete and utter loneliness. All is fine, save your pity, I never knew any different.

Page 9 out of 365
Going straight home after work sure is new to me. I am starting to like this feeling of belonging, my quite suburban life. And even though my house is still my grave I am learing to appreciate the pain, sorrow and what seems like an inevitable eternity ahead of me.

Page 10 out of 365
Never ending winter. Darkness all around, pitch black outside my window - I could swear I have never seen so much darkness before. I am starting to own my life again and it feels as if spring is waking up inside my bruised little heart.

Page 11 out of 365
Today I have come to a realisation that those things I did on the 31st of December 2017 - I'll have to live with them forever. No matter how hard I try - I will never be able to undo them. It's not like I suffer now for a couple of months - and then they will disappear once I feel better. What happened that night will always and forever be a part of me. And so the road I am taking is not of leaving something behind, it is of me learning to live in peace with my past.

Page 12 out of 365
Shantaram is magic. This book is helping me a lot on this journey. And also growing kambucha. God, what have I turned into? Little things are not little anymore. Growing kambucha, reading a good book, making dinner every evening, drinking ginger tea, going to bed sober - all these things may be minor to some people - but to me they mean the world right now.

Page 13 out of 365
Today I saw him for the first time since 31.12.17
It took all the courage I had left in my bruised little heart to go to class today, to face him.
Contrary to what I have expected, when I saw him the sky didn't fall and the earth didn't disappeared beneath my feet. It all felt normal.
And so I said "hi", smiled and just like that the new chapter of my life has finally begun.
Hours later my mum called me up and said today was "The Real New Year" known as Old New Year in Russia. How symbolic , I thought, in a way I got my second chance and I used it wisely.

Page 14 out of 365
Kata is my ray of sunshine these days. Who knew that this girl I have known for 7 years and never paid much attention to will become such an important person to me in 2018? Who would have thought that in the end she will be the one to help me slay my dragons and will walk with me through hell. It's always the quite ones you least expect isn't it?
With such humble grace she offers me support in every little step that I take. She calls me a hero, she says how proud she is of me. She doesn't judge and she doesn't laugh. She listens so carefully when I tell her about my new daily routine that it makes little things seem so much bigger. After all, let's not forget, I am a recovering alcoholic with a broken heart. And things like reading a book with a cup of tea 30 minutes before bed is a big step for me.
She shares her own journey to becoming a better, more stable person. She tells me how much she is enjoying yoga. And then suddenly I find myself doing yoga that very evening. I look at her and deep down in her eyes I see myself.
Her will to work hard, her desire to be a better person and her unbreakable belief that the only way to find happiness is by staying true to yourself might just save us both.

@темы: Chapter 1 - January, One year