Quite Contrary
Криста придумала составить списки подозреваемых в убийстве Мэтта и написать на каждого из них досье. Адам решил начать с самой Кристы, поместив запись вместе с фотографией:

Досье на Кристу, составленное Адамом

Christa wants us to write these stupid suspect profiles, so I'm sure she won't mind that I've made her the first one. It's only seems fair...

NAME Christa Stammers

APPEARANCE Fit but unwashed. Could do with a little product. Starting with soap.

Dresses like an undercover cop at a homeless shelter. Big fan of layers. I'm guessing that by the time she gets undressed at night it's time to get up again.

ATTITUDE Unfriendly veneer covering thinly disguised raging horn for me. It's so obvious it's kind of embarrassing. Get a room. With me.

No, seriously. Let's get a room.

SOCIAL CIRCLE Emo? Goth? Outcast. Also new member of the Supernatural Monster Squad, an elite crime-fighting and lie down dance team which I just formed this very minute and which I am president of and founding member.

REASON FOR SUSPICION She's grudgingly agreed to help solve Matt's murder, which could just be a brilliant smokescreen to deflect attention from her. Also, just like most women, she turns into a monster once a month. Yes, that was a period joke.

OTHER COMMENTS I will of course do my best to work alongside her, although she is from a group that is my traditional enemy. I'm talking of course, about goths. Ha ha. Got you. You thought I was going to say emos. Which I wasn't because the first time I went to school in the 80's they hadn't been invented and as far as I can see an emo is just a goth with worse hair and crapper taste in music.

Talking of hair, hers is quite limp. She also has a sadness behind the eyes. I have a theory that the two may be connected. Perhaps she's spent years looking for some elusive shampoo and conditioner combo that will combat her specific problem of flyaway roots and split middles.

I wonder if she's tried crunching dog biscuits. I hear that they can be quite good for the coat.

Okay, okay. That was a cheap shot. In the spirit of co-operation, I am willing, in a gesture of great personal sacrifice, to drag a chicken on a string around a waterbed in a classy but surprisingly affordable motel.

Call me.


Криста в ответ написала досье на Адама, прикрепив к нему карикатуру на него же.

Досье на Адама, составленное Кристой

Ok Adam, if you insist on being a complete sod, I'm going to profile you.

NAME Adam Jacobs

APPEARANCE Dead eyed. Waxy. If he didn't move you'd think he was one of those bodies they practice on at medical school. And how can he have the gall to criticise my hair? His hairstyle looks like his entire scalp has time travelled from 1974. Or from one of those yellow sun bleached photos in the windows of really old barber's shops. In Poland.

ATTITUDE Cocky gutter-mouthed sex pest. He has all the charm of a genital wart and is so sexist he'd make Gene Hunt feel bashful.

SOCIAL CIRCLE Outcast. I mean he talks about having other friends, but strangely I never see him with anyone but us. I wonder why? Oh, I know. See above.

And he talks about this other group of supernaturals he's met, who strangely he doesn't see anymore. Almost as if he was so damn annoying that they couldn't take it anymore and threw him out, screaming until their ears bled. That's how I picture it anyway.

REASON FOR SUSPICION He's a forty six year old blood addicted monster pretending to be a school boy. No, nothing suspicious to see here. Move along.

OTHER COMMENTS As for the age old antagonism between our two 'groups'. Can I just clarify one thing. I am not part of any 'group'. Not emo, not goth and not anything else. I am in a group of one. Me.

The only other subset that you could argue I am part of is teenage girls. And we traditionally do have a big problem with his group. And by 'his group', I am talking of course, about dirty old men.

I mean seriously, he's forty six! If he looked his age, everyone would assume he was there to pick up his kids, not do double geography. But instead he wanders around school using slang that hasn't been in fashion for at least ten years letching at all the girls. Even if he wasn't at risk of accidentally giving in to his bloodlust and ripping out their throats it would be wrong in so many ways.

I mean the other day he said "Whassup" for God's sake. It's just not right.

And as for the constant talking about sex, I think it's just the old, old story of the hollowest vessels making the most noise. The boy that talks about sex the most is always the one with the least experience. Adam talks about it so much, he must have actually had negative amounts of sex. He's actually overdrawn at the virgin bank. He needs to have loads of sex just to get back to zero. And can I just state here for the record: I am not going to help him. The mere idea of sleeping with him makes me want to seriously self-harm. After seriously harming him.

And before you give me that 'methink the lady doth protest too much' line, or whatever the real quote is, sometimes people are protesting against things simply because they really really dislike the idea. Sometimes it really is that simple. And that would be me in this situation. Seriously. Even getting close to thinking about it makes me want to puke until I throw up my own spine. And then I would take my own spine and strangle Adam with it.

And somehow he'd still read that as me playing hard to get.


А Мэтт написал досье на самого себя.
Досье на Мэтта, составленное им самим

NAME Matt Bolton

APPEARANCE I know I'm fat. Gary Frinton once said that it looked like I'd eaten Johnny Vegas. I thought that was pretty funny but I didn't laugh at the time because Gary Frinton was kicking me when he said it and I didn't want to give him the satisfaction. But I wrote it down later.

That might seem a bit weird but I wrote down any funny names that people called me. It's like one part of me was hurt and another part of me could still see it was clever or funny and if I wrote it down then I had the power over the names. The names weren't always clever or funny. Sometimes I burned the bits of paper with the names on.

ATTITUDE Some days I'm sad. Some days I'm angry. But I think on the whole I'm on an even keel. I think I'm doing very well considering I was murdered in a toilet.

SOCIAL CIRCLE I'd say I was an outcast. But that's okay because Christa and Adam put that they were outcasts too. So I feel kind of proud of that now. And Adam said we were in The Supernatural Monster Squad. I know it was kind of a joke, but I like the idea that we're all in the same gang especially a monster squad.

REASON FOR SUSPICION This bit doesn't really fit me as I am the one that was murdered. I suppose the only way that this category would fit me would be if I had killed myself. I don't think I killed myself. It's not that I haven't thought about it. It's just that whenever I thought about doing it, I never thought of doing it in a toilet.

Adam said I had that I was like Elvis. I thought it was a crack about my weight, but it turns out Elvis died on the toilet. I felt better when I found that out.

OTHER COMMENTS I'm only really doing this profile because Adam did one for Christa and Christa did one for Adam. I felt a bit left out. I was going to ask them to do one for me but I was afraid that they would say nasty things about me so I decided to do my own.

But then I worried that I'd go too easy on myself. Not like a proper profile. Not like theirs. So I started thinking about bad things I could say about myself. I found one of my lists of names people used to call me and read through them. But I got a bit upset. So I stopped reading.

The thing that really bugs me is that I haven't eaten a thing since I died. And I'm still fat. And I'm going to be fat forever. I mean that's not fair, is it? I could run for miles and do press ups and none of it would matter. Still, at least now I don't have to run for miles and do press ups. That's something.

When I think about who might have killed me, I picture it like the Murder on the Orient Express. It's a really old film so I don't feel bad about spoilers. Basically someone is murdered on a train and most people on the train are suspects. And at the end you find out that they all did it. All of them. Like queuing up. All carrying a knife. And that how I picture my death. Like all the people that bullied me queued up outside the toilet and gave me just one punch or a kick. But it all added up and at the end I was dead.

I don't think it's that likely, but whenever I picture it, that's what I think about.

@темы: Фотографии, becoming human