I feel like pouring my soul out again, but there's no one to listen to me. I mean, there are people, but it's late and I'm afraid of seeming weak. I worked so hard to build this outside wall that keeps my feelings inside that I can't imagine ever sitting down and talking to someone about the hopeless, sadness, nostalgia, longing I feel every once in a while. It's the longing and the nostalgia that are the worst because I know the reason for them, but I can't alleviate them. Hopeless is cured by some list making or just self discipline. Sadness? A good show can clear up any of that. But nostalgia. Christ, when it grips me I feel my breathe leave my lungs. Sometimes I want to go back so bad that it hurts and it brings tears to my eyes because it is impossible to go back in time. The gate closes once you leave paradise. And longing? Perhaps I'm getting to that age when I'm biologically inclined to seek a mate and yet my mind refuses to accept such a conclusion. And there you go, an eternal stuggle between nature and nature. I know I want something, but no one seems to fill the description. Today, I almost felt the urge for the first time to call Eric and just talk to him. Maybe it would have been healthier to talk to a person, but then I realized that I would be making a fool of myself. He has moved on, I hope and so must I. But move on to where? I hope that once I find that someone who woulld hold me when I come back from work and tell me that everything will be all right will make the longing and the nostalgia go away. I want to live without a past and only look to the future with that someone. Please find me. I don't know who you are yet, but I miss you already.