It's days like these that I wish I could pour out my soul into something because it aches so much. I don't really know why. Perhaps it is fear of the inevitable. Loneliness seems to follow my every step and no matter how fast I run, if I look over my shoulder, it'll be there. I hate how jealous I get them when I see happy people. Do they deserve to be happy? That never makes it into the equation because there is no one to decide what is fair and what is not. It's only chance. There's only luck. Even the worst of us have the same luck as the best of us and so it is inevitable that they find happiness. But that doesn't stop the gnawing inside of me. This terrible anxiety that I am letting something slip away. I look around and I wonder.. am I different? Am I somehow broken and unable to relate to other people? Why can't I let them touch me and console me and let the flesh win out never guard myself with rationality and suppositions of the future?
Am I just too complicated? But then, what should it matter. Out of the 6 billion people on earth shouldn't I be able to find someone equally as complex and messed up as I am? I want to pour out my soul into that someone so that there is not only a union of flesh but of one mind and of one heart. But I'm afraid I'm not quite that lucky and whom I meet, I do not meet their expectations. I want him to find me. Somehow. By some fucking miracle stumble upon me and never let me get away. But isn't it just a stupid fantasy, like something out of those fucking fairy tales? Who teaches kids about the 'happily ever after'. It's a bad ending. It's a bad lesson. I want it gone from my brain but it just won't leave. And so... here I am. Alone again. And I am just pouring out my soul anonymously into nothingness for no one. Isn't life grant.

@настроение: I, Eternal